The British elite, including the media, kept a stiff upper lip this weekend as a right royal pegging scandal became all the talk on social media. Of course, whether a certain notable Brit would rather sit on a dildo or a throne is not our business. Butt the back story (forgive me), is newsworthy.
Curiously, Rupert Murdoch’s The Australian published an online article on the story yesterday but later deleted it.
Rumours of a high-profile royal’s affair with a fellow aristocrat have been around for a couple of years. Likewise the idea that he and his wife feed the media stories about his exiled-across-the-seas brother and sister-in-law to distract from the affair.
That would not be surprising. Prince Charles and Princess Diana famously fed the media tantalising titbits about each other.
And sexual scandals in the royal family are nothing new. The British Royal family trace their lineage from William the Conqueror. He chose the site of Windsor Castle from which they take their family name. But no one called him William the Conqueror in his own time. They called him William the Bastard. Not because the cruel murderous thug was an utter, utter, utter bastard. That was par for the course for wannabe kings. William was called a bastard because he was illegitimate. To this day, illegitimacy causes a violent trembling of the stolen diamonds in royal tiaras.
And we all know the current king-and-defender-of-the-faith-in-waiting is a very different man from the very proper persona displayed in public. In the 1990s, we learned about Prince Charles’ sexual fantasies from an intercepted phone call with his current wife, then his mistress.
Charles: Oh, God. I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!
Camilla: What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers? Oh, you’re going to come back as a pair of knickers.
Charles: Or, God forbid, a Tampax. Just my luck!
Camilla: You are a complete idiot! Oh, what a wonderful idea.
The Royal pegging
The scandal kicked off when a notorious Instagram account published an anonymous message allegedly explaining why a popular British royal tolerates her husband’s alleged extra-marital affair.
She’d allegedly prefer to delegate responsibility for pegging him.
“This is so salacious I’m almost too shook to share with you (but will anyway).
“This British royal’s extra-marital affair is an open secret in London and amongst the English aristo set, and is the talk of every party and newsdesk.
“At a recent media party, I was told the real reason for the affair was the royal’s love for pegging, which the wife is too old-fashioned to engage in.
“The wife doesn’t mind her [the mistress] and in fact prefers her husband getting his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere, as long as they don’t become emotional, which was the case with the last woman.”
Now let’s be straight here (just this once). The story is probably bullshit. In what world does a British royal chat about her husband’s infidelity to gossipy friends?
“Oh goodness yes. Of course, he has a mistress. But I don’t want to peg him. That’s what ladies-in-waiting are for!”
Mind you, the story is no less authoritative than anything we read from so-called royal experts.
Never forget that in March, YouTube pranksters hired four leading royal commentators to film their responses to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s interview with Oprah Winfrey two days before they saw it.
It’s all bullshit — a manufactured royal soap opera.
Harry and Meghan
But more on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.
Through a combination of cosy relationships, threatened legal action and the promise of future cooperation, the royal family manages to keep some stories out of the mainstream press. Including, it seems, this one.
But they’ve never lifted a finger to stop the relentless stream of negative stories about the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. At this point, if the British press announced that Meghan Markle was responsible for Putin’s invasion of Ukraine, who would be surprised?
That certainly lends credibility to the theory that the Sussex couple is used to distract from far more interesting goings-on in the House of Windsor.
Anyway, we finish by quoting a tweet-joke that sums up the real issue.
Media: “The Royals will never recover from Prince Andrew’s actions.”
Unnamed royal and mistress: “Hold our strap-on.”
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