"The Picture": Pre-Internet smut: todgers and spadgers:

The Picture magazine was the closest we had to porn back in the days before the internet. The magazine offered $50 a pic for Home Blokes or Girls willing to display their pink bits on the newsstands of Australia.

NSFW! Click Here: Due to underwhelming demand, click here for the uncensored version of the pic above.

Yep! In a surprisingly un-Australian admission, The Picture candidly admitted that some people liked to look at naked men. Australian mothers could no longer assume their son was straight because of the odour emanating from the old shoe box under his bed.

(“Semen is such a persistent stain,” said a character on The League of Gentlemen. Well, the smell is also a f*cking shocker. Sadly, many a wanker ruined some of their best images by forgetting to grab a cumrag before they tossed off. Wiping your hand on the paper magazine ensured not only a lingering stench but also that the pages stuck together. And boy, does cum make a strong glue. Back in less PC days, I used to glue twinks to the ceiling with it as a joke.)

Just as every man and his dog is happily sending dick pics in 2024, in the nineties, The Picture found a plethora of Aussies happy to strip naked and take their privates public.

Australians all let us rejoice,
For we are young and hung;

One friend of mine posed twice. He had long hair and a long foreskin — at least in one pic. In the other, he appeared circumcised and combed his usually tousled locks back behind his ears.

“$50 a pic,” he boasted to mates. “I made a hundred. $50 for my uncut todger and another 50 for the cut version.”

Ah!

Todger.

There’s a word you don’t hear enough anymore.

The Picture was basically nude pics and ridiculous articles full of made-up words. Todger, I think, was one of their inventions.

Why stick to the same old dicks and pussies when you could enjoy your own lexicon of sexual terminology.

Dicks became todgers and tockleys while boobs were norks, chesticles, scrunions and funtabulous funbags. Who could possible look at a pussy the same way again after learning you could have been calling it a spadger, schmo or moot?

(Strolling home pissed at 3 am on a mid-nineties morning, I witnessed a house-fire and had to go to the police station to give a statement along with a recent Kiwi immigrant. His name was Moot.

That is — his real name was Moot — which certainly tickled my funtabulous funbags. I ended up pissing off the grumpy old sergeant taking our statements.

“Look. We get it. It’s funny. But if you don’t stop using Moot in every f*cking sentence, I will find some law to lock you up under.”)

But back to the lexicon. Personally, I’ve always found jizm hard to bypass, but The Picture insisted cum spurt forth across our boundless plains as spoonter.

But, times changed, the internet brought us Hi-Res fast downloading porn to cater for every taste and Australian males learned manners – they now wipe their hands on socks.