It’s Christmas. It’s hot. We should all get busy cleaning up the house or the yard or ourselves. But hey! New Year’s is just around the corner. We can make resolutions to do all that shit next Christmas. Meanwhile, many of us will head to cinemas to enjoy the latest Xmas releases. So, what’s on offer?
Xmas releases: Cats
It seems everyone decided after the first trailer release that Cats is a dog. The claws and bad puns came out for 2019’s greatest catastrophe. Most expected the producers to race back to the editing room after the initial reaction. However, it seems they just played with a ball of wool.
Andrew Lloyd Webber and Taylor Swift penned a new ditty for her to purr and that was about it.
But, word has it, a new edit with updated visual effects is winging its way to cinemas right now. Producers noticed someone failed to befur Dame Judi’s hand in a couple of scenes and producers decided to fix that at least.
There are two reasons to watch Cats.
One — to admire Dame Judi’s Dench regal Victorian composure as the world goes to hair-balls around her.
And two — to sob about the special effects team CGIing out Jason Derulo’s now infamously large package.
Anyway, just in case you missed it, here’s what you won’t see in Cats.
Xmas releases: The Rise of Skywalker
The latest addition to the Starwars franchise looks likely to pull in one of the biggest opening box office takings ever.
Despite that, critics seem to hate The Rise of Skywalker.
But the fans love it and the consensus seems clear. If you always loved Star Wars, you’ll love this. Otherwise, ignore it.
Xmas releases: Jumanji: The Next Level
Where to start?
Bad acting, bad special effects, bad comedy.
The few cast members who can act obviously decided to read their lines and run to the bank to cash the cheque.
Perhaps your mileage varies.
If so, I suggest you keep your affection for this particular movie secret. Mention it in polite social situations and friends may begin to disown you.
Though, if you like this, there’s a chance you have no friends.
Xmas releases: Portrait of a Lady on Fire
We saved the best for last.
Masterful movie making. Two women falling in love on an isolated island.
Men barely have a presence in the film — and that’s intentional says screenwriter and director Celine Sciamma.
“There are no men in the film and that pisses off the men.
“They’re really not happy with the fact they’re not on the screen. We’re showing them what has been happening to us for 100 years of cinema.”
That probably means there’s no chance of a glimpse of Jason Derulo’s package in this movie either.
But it’s a great movie – our pick of what’s on offer.
For the latest lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex and queer (LGBTIQ) news in Australia, visit qnews.com.au. Check out our latest magazines or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.