Following the announcement of the discovery by renowned scientific researcher Dr. Mariam Al-Sohel of the sperm-eating anal worm (nematodes rectilius spermatozoa) our editor sat down with spokesperson for the worms Mr. Jizz M Gulpha.
Good Morning Mr. Gulpha and thank you for talking with us. What have the last few days been like during the media frenzy over your previously unknown species?
Call me Jizzy, please.
It’s been hell, to be frank. We bummies, as we call ourselves, are a quiet and reserved species of worm. We’re not f***ing glow worms, out there lighting up the night sky going, “Look at
me. Look at me.”
We go about our business in your business quietly. To be honest, we can be a little socially awkward. It’s difficult to make light conversation when you know the sexual secrets of so many of the men on this planet. The relationships we could destroy with a slip of the tongue!
So bummies are aware of the outside world, Jizzy?
Oh yes. We have excellent hearing. Otherwise, we’d end up crushed to death during meal deliveries.
We hear everything, and bummies love to spill the T. And we are the bomb for throwing shade.
So, you like to chew the fat?
No — penile worms chew the fat. Bummies shoot the sh!t.
Have you met Dr Mariam Al-Sohel?
Met her? I’ve lived in her laboratory.
I’ve never heard of her before. How many years has she dedicated to researching the causes of homosexuality?
She’s more renowned for her work on new recipes. She once invented a halal lamb bacon rasher, but at the press conference, the lamb grunted and squealed. Some people claimed it was just a pig with a sheep rug thrown over it.
However, she had success with her alcohol and egg free halal dessert range. Dr Al-Sohel never met a tiramisu she didn’t like.
As I remember she invented the suppository as a way of sneaking some tiramisu during Ramadan.
Then one of your old prime ministers inspired her to invent the Suppository of all Wisdom. It was just bits of an encyclopedia rolled up. She sold it to students to shove up their clackers in lieu of study. The Sultan of Brunei bought a few – in solid gold.
What led Mariam Al-Sohel to the conclusion that sperm-eating anal worms would cause women to become ‘butch lesbians’?
Pleeease! The woman knows nothing about sex. I can tell you lesbians are wonderful people, but they make terrible hosts for us bottom feeders. Talk about your Hunger Games. Bummies
think of lesbians as Fat Farms. It’s where we go to lose weight.
And if you want to put on weight?
We go to a seminary of course. They didn’t call them that without good reason.
So, your diet consists completely of sperm?
100%. Bummies are a very basic animal. We’re the orgasm organism. But, by all that’s holey, I wish men would eat better. It’s hard to swallow when the donor drinks alcohol and smokes. Ugh! Drink pineapple juice people. Add some cinnamon to your diet.
Has the outing of bummies as a species had much effect on you personally?
Last night my host made a date on Grindr. The dude shows up, ten years older and fifteen kilos heavier than his profile pic and full of BS.
“I’ll bet your sperm-eating anal worms can’t wait for my nine inches.”
Fool! Mocking our very existence. Bummies have feelings too. Nine inches? If only! Five at a stretch!
What about condoms?
Well, condoms ruin things for us. It’s like when you’re hungry and can’t get the lid off the jam jar. Breeders for Feeders, I say.
Well, thank you for talking with us Jizzy. What does your future hold for you now?
Who knows? We bummies travel the world and see the sights. I’m off to the Whitehouse next week. After a lifetime up bums, I’m looking forward to seeing a real sh!thole.
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