Rude Food and Naughty Baked Goods

When we saw the Bobby Goldsmith Foundation planned to bring back the popular fundraising Bake Off, we instantly dreamed of rude foods and naughty baked goods.

Sadly though, we’re poor cooks. But we do pride ourselves as foodies.

Indeed, our habit of perusing menus at length often sees us chased out of drive-thrus.

So we fell back on searching out ideas for readers more accomplished in the culinary arts.

Now, it goes without saying that a queer bake off should encompass some degree of sauciness.

Though hopefully, not too corny.

Back in the late nineteen eighties, I worked for a lady who ran a strip agency and had a sideline in ‘R’ rated cakes for hen’s and buck’s parties. She advertised in the classifieds and charged a fortune for the things.

She made the buck’s party cake by simply melting the cheapest available cooking chocolate and then pouring it into a mold.

The mold was a set of plastic tie-on novelty boobs from a sex shop. She’d found a similar dick-shaped mold somewhere for the hen’s party ‘cake’.

She sold the inedible, tooth-chipping, hard-as-a-rock, mildly-amusing-to-an-adolescent abominations at a 500% mark-up.

Sex sells.

Anyway, enough of that.

We’re hoping to see more inventiveness and a higher degree of subtlety at the Bobby Goldsmith Foundation Bake Off.

The Bold Bakery

The cleverest creation we found came from Sarah Brockett.

Sarah invented the mythical Bold Bakery for her senior thesis project.

Then she whipped up some raunchy confections that went on display for just one night in Grand Rapids, USA.

Her pumpkin pie is sensational, the perfect gift for a frenemy.

To all appearances a normal pie, once a knife slices through the crust, a hidden message emerges.

rude food naughty baked goods bakeoff sportsman hotel — Image: Pinterest

Sarah told the Huffington Post making the pie was tedious work.

“I had to create the word ‘whore’ multiple times out of pie crust.

“Then I stood [the letters] upright in the bottom.”

The word displays wherever the pie is sliced.

Pure evil genius.

Cup Cakes

Sarah also produced a fine line in cupcakes.

Decidedly not as subtle as the frenemy pumpkin pie, but they look delicious.

Rimming Sugar

Of course, special baking requires special ingredients, so we searched high and low – mainly low – to find the finest sweetening agent for your butt cakes.

Ask for it in the rude food aisle of your nearest deli.

Accidental creations and Very Rude Food

While Sarah planned her creations, sometimes naughty baked goods cum about completely by accident.

One poor mother never realised until too late what ‘Good Luck @ uni’ looked like to the vulgar eye.

Then there’s the poor mother who tried to impress her princess with a unicorn-themed cake.

Intent on making a pretty cake, she never noticed something very obvious to those with eyes to see.

Other parents pointed it out.

Pointed it out?

You could poke an eye out with that thing.

We can only imagine the frenzied side eye as incredulous mummas tried to alert the naïve cook without attracting the attention of the kids.

“Mummy, Tommy said the unicorn is a dickhead.”

Here’s a photo taken in the car after they raced the cake out of the party to dehorn the mythical beast.

Rest assured, at the Bobby Goldsmith Foundation Bake Off, such horns are treasured and no unicorn risks emasculation.

However, it’s time to finish, so in the interests of equality, here’s an exquisitely beautiful, and we’re assured: incredibly delicious tart.

Bobby Goldsmith Bake Off

The Bobby Goldsmith Bake Off happens on Sunday April 7 from 2 pm until 5 pm. Our entire newsroom are talking about popping along in search of titillating titbits.

Tickets for the event are $20 and there is an entry fee of $10 for each cake entered in the competition.

For more information and for tickets go to www.shoutforgood.com/event-ticketings/BakeOff2024

Don’t worry about washing up – we’ll eat every last crumb.