Rednecks and red sacks – Tucker Carlson’s testicle tanning


bromeopathic Testicle Tanning tucker carlson
Image: YouTube

In his new ‘documentary’ End of Men, right-wing nutjob American culture warrior Tucker Carlson claims that men are weaker than they used to be and offers solutions. Among the easy DIY solutions to girls kicking sand in your face at the beach — testicle tanning, a ‘bromeopathic’ therapy that allegedly raises testosterone.

To back up his whines about declining masculinity, Tucker Carlson claims that testosterone levels in American men have crashed. Apparently, minus toxic masculinity, society goes to shit, as a narrator explains.

“Once a society collapses then, you’re in hard times… Those hard times inevitably produce men who are tough, men who are resourceful, men who are strong enough to survive. They go on to re-establish order, and so the cycle begins again.”

Yes. Real men in America have had a hard trot. What with the end of slavery, women getting the vote, and gays winning Emmys.

But don’t despair.

The promo video for End of Men showcases fine examples of real men — he-men — tough, straight masculine god-fearing men. The he-men bare their abs as they flip truck tires, chop wood, wrestle and shoot machine guns. And nary a reach-around in sight. Mind you, the clip seems to hold out promise of some manly man-on-man action. Nothing homosexual, of course. Just a  bit of helping a mate out. But alas, it never quite gets there. That’s why God gave you an imagination.

In just seven days. I can make you a ma-aa-a-a-an.

He’ll do press-ups and chin-ups. Do the snatch, clean and jerk…

Sorry.

By testicle tanning, Tucker Carlson means something called red light therapy for the scrotum.

In the trailer, some bloke called Andrew McGovern explains there’s ‘so much data out there’ to support red light therapy ‘that hasn’t been picked up on or covered’.

Yeah. This is your go-to guy straight after Craig Kelly and Clive Plamer finish telling you about hydroxychloroquine.

McGovern describes red light therapy as a ‘bromeopathic’ therapy. ‘Bromeopathy’ he explains is a play on ‘bro science’ and ‘homeopathy’. The term, he says, originated with people who ‘don’t trust the mainstream information’.

Well, there you have it. Nut tanning for nutjobs.

But if rednecks wish to indulge in testicle tanning, who are we to argue? Sometimes I wonder if we should bother battling these people or just let nature take its course.

There’s a bullshit internet quote often misattributed to Confucious, Sun Tzu in The Art of War and various ancient Indian and Japanese philosophers. Bullshit, but I like it.

He who sits by the river will see his enemy’s body floating by.

Of course, testicle tanning is nowhere near as fun as the butthole sunning craze of a couple of years ago.

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