Meanwhile, back in the GoonCave

gooncave gooning gooner bators

Masturbation has cum a long way. Once a shameful secret, bators now boast on social media of locking themselves in the GoonCave for days on end and gooning to multiple screens.

In my youth, DIY orgasms were a definite no-no. But in the age of webcams, fapping has progressed from hidden vice to lucrative career choice. People earn a living as professional wankers. There are even championships with cam sites awarding trophies for Wanker of the Month. Who knows? One day choking the chicken may become an Olympic sport. God knows they allow Curling. Why not Wrist Aerobics?

Anyway, there’s now more porn available than you can poke a dick at. So men (and allegedly women) set up GoonCaves with multiple screens to watch a variety of sex acts all at once. They sit there goonfaced, edging for hours or days — vacant expression, tongue hanging loosely from the mouth, drool dribbling down the chin.

Gooners are the Gold Medal triathletes of self-abuse. No mere rubbing one out or beating off and then going about your day. Gooners have finessed mini pole vaulting into masturbatory marathons with more twists and turns than a soggy biscuit bukkake orgy at a Papal conclave.

They want porn, in an assortment of flavours, and lots of it. F*ck food, social interaction or work. Where’s some new porn? Something different for cranking the shaft. Something previously unseen for rubbin’ the nubbin. Perhaps a bisexual East European POV orgy with Furries picked up off the street for a few dollars?

Stop it! You’ll get blisters.

But I hope gooners remember to stock up on lube. No one wants to see the poor f*ckers tossers suffering from blistered pink bits.

“No. I swear it’s not herpes.”

Happy gooning, bators.

Putin’s Goon Cave is immaculate
by u/Sorry-Ride-1762 in NonCredibleDefense

Also: the Wanking Walrus that stole New Year’s Eve.

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