Should this gay man come out at his brother’s wedding?


wedding grooms in suits stock photo gay couple coming out reddit
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An anonymous user on Reddit has asked the internet for advice about a very complex coming out situation at his upcoming wedding.

Reddit’s “Am I The Asshole” (AITA) subreddit focuses on social and ethical dilemmas. One Reddit user took to the forum to explain that his brother is gay, but not out to extended family.

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The man is wondering whether or not his brother should bring his partner along to the wedding – essentially coming out to their family on his big day.

“My brother is gay, but my family doesn’t know, only me and my parents know,” the user wrote.

“My brother has been dating his bf for 6 months now. The dude is great, I’m so happy my brother found a great guy.

“But it’s kind of a secret, as he hasn’t told my family he is gay.”

The poster explained that he was very supportive of his brother but was worried his brother’s news would overshadow he and his fiancée’s special day.

“I’ve been telling him for years that he should come out, cause I know it stresses him a lot. I think it will make him feel better not to hide anymore, plus I bet a few family members already know anyway,” he said.

“But he disagrees cause he knows a part of the family won’t accept it and it will be a lot of drama.

“I don’t want to get the attention away from my fiancée, that’s her day. I don’t wanna have to worry about that on my wedding day, and I think it’s a pretty good reason.

“If it was any other occasion I would be supportive obviously, but I don’t think my wedding day is the day to do that.”

The man said that he and his brother had discussed the situation and, while he claimed to understand their relationship has become “weird” since.

“This is the worst. I’m losing sleep over this,” he said. “Am I the asshole for handling it the way I did?”

Thousands of Reddit users offered their opinions

Over 4000 people responded to the poor Reddit user’s dilemma.

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“God I’m queer and I gotta say, a sibs wedding would NOT be the place to trot out that bit of my life,” one person wrote.

Another wrote on Reddit, “Almost all wedding etiquette comes down to ‘don’t upstage the couple’. It’s too bad there isn’t more time, because if he was actually able to come out beforehand, bringing his boyfriend to the wedding would have been fine.”

Other responses acknowledged the complexity of the brothers’ situation

“Is there some good reason the brother can’t come out sooner? Like, say, today? That way he might even bring his boyfriend to the wedding. Any time but AT the wedding.”

“It’s distracting from your wedding which is a big no no. It wouldn’t be any different than announcing an engagement at your wedding.”

“There are numerous posts about people attending weddings and using the occasion to propose or to announce their pregnancy. The focus falls on them and not on the couple getting married. They steal the thunder from the bride and groom.”

“I fully expected from the title to come in here to tell you off, but no, your brother is being unfair and selfish about this. He needed to start coming out a few months ago if he wanted to bring his boyfriend to your wedding.”

“Doing something like that will give your closed-minded [relatives] some ammo against the boyfriend.”

“At weddings, everyone is mildly to extremely drunk and very emotional. Also, everyone wants attention. Not a good recipe for compassion and love in my opinion, despite the theme.”

“I think [the poster] and his brother planning a neutral family event, like a barbecue or reunion, would be a wonderful way to show support for his brother and help him come out in a comfortable environment.”

“There’s no way around it, this is a difficult situation. You’re dammed if you do, you’re dammed if you don’t.”

Here’s hoping the two brothers find a resolution!

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