Proud size queen Madonna told an audience at the London Palladium this week that size matters. She also claimed she never slept with a man with a “small dick.” Further, she laid claim to a musical vagina and alluded to praise for her oral skills.
So, to sum up,
Madge has a musical vage, likes large organs and plays a mean skin flute.
“What do you call a man with a small penis? The answer is, I wouldn’t fucking know. I’ve never been with a guy with a small dick. You know size matters, don’t pretend that it doesn’t.”
Despite branding herself a size queen, Madonna never revealed how she prevents herself from accidentally sleeping with a less well-endowed man.
Or perhaps she did?
She also told the audience she finds her assistants on the gay dating app Grindr. Maybe that’s one of their chores? Measuring up potential lovers.
Madonna’s musical vagina
In a strange aside, the 61-year-old singer laid claim to a musical vagina, but not just any music of course. Madonna’s vagina plays classical music.
“You know they say that the eyes are the window to the soul. And I believe that. However, I think that you are all forgetting about a more important window.”
The pop size queen then spread her legs as music began to play.
“That’s right ladies and gentleman, this is what it’s like to have Mozart come out of your pussy. Don’t be jealous. I’m pretty sure he’s dead.”
After size matters and her musical vagina, Madonna moved on to oral sex
The singer then made a comment that implied some oral prowess when a dancer gave her a chair to sit on.
“Usually I kneel for about 20 minutes and that’s fine. I’m good at it, so I’ve been told.”
Size queen’s former lovers
After Madge’s spiel, no doubt a few former lovers are walking around with swollen, um… heads today.
She previously enjoyed a relationship with famed Hollywood lover Warren Beatty and marriages with actor Sean Penn and film director Guy Ritchie. She’s currently dating a 25-year-old dancer in her show, Ahlamalik Williams.
Finally no one older enough could ever forget one of Madge’s early flames, Tony Ward.
It’s hard to find a pic of Tony Ward without his dick out but being prudes, we managed.
Anyone interested in seeing more of Tony ard should check out Bruce LaBruce’s sexually explicit Hustler White in which Tony plays a fluffer nonchalantly wanking a porn actor to erection while continuing to read a book.
Tony Ward at one stage married Aussie girl Amalia Papadimos, a familiar face on the Valley gay scene a few years before her move to New York.
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No doubt, whether they enjoyed Madonna’s personal insights or not, fans were pleased the concert only began 20 minutes late. That is something of a record of late.
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