Ins and outs of sex: out with negativity, in with pleasure


Sex can prove one of the most wonderfully pleasurable, exciting, erotic, fun, loving, expansive and creative parts of what makes us human. Our communities more than others allow the freedom to express ourselves sexually in a way that works for us individually. We are not as constrained as some by the expectations of society.

Sex can range from vanilla to being tied up while dressed as Dolly Parton sporting a butt plug dog tail.

But for many, sex remains a source of anxiety, shame, low self-esteem and other negativity. I’ve found working with many people on their sexuality over the years that if the cause of the issues can be identified, and useful strategies implemented, things can improve dramatically.

Many LGBTIQ+ grow up around people who see them as somehow lesser because of their orientation or identity. We’re made to think there is something wrong with us.

This can impact negatively on people’s sex lives. A trans guy might feel no one will want to have sex with him because he doesn’t have what guys ‘should’ have. Many of us can relate to feeling too fat, too thin, and too old. A person’s race can also impact how people perceive them — and the list goes on. To rub salt in the wound, when people look for sex on hookup apps, they sometimes encounter cruel comments that exacerbate their insecurities.

No matter how you look and what way you express yourself, there will be people out there who will find you attractive. Part of the journey for many people is building strategies to deal with rejection. We need to learn not to take nasty trolls on apps personally. Many of them ridicule other people because of their own insecurities.

But dating is like playing Balls Out Bingo at Sporties. You just keep playing and eventually, your number will come up.


These are some tips that might help.

Slow things down.  It’s neither a race nor a performance. Remember that you are not in a drag competition.

Communicate to your sexual partners what you enjoy. Be assertive about what you don’t want to do. If you haven’t worked out what you like yet, find someone to go on a journey of discovery with you.

If you find yourself distracted by thoughts or anxiety — take a break. Breathe slowly, then bring your attention back to physical sensation.

If you have issues with erections or not being able to ejaculate, look for someone who will understand.  People can still enjoy sex without an erection and without cumming.

Take away negative associations and feelings of failure and replace them with pleasure. If issues continue, psychologists at places such as the Centre for Human Potential can help you get the sex that works for you and overcome the barriers that get in the way.

For the latest lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex and queer (LGBTIQ) news in Australia, visit Check out our latest magazines or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.

Paul Martin

QNews, Brisbane Gay, App, Gay App, LGBTI, LGBTI News, Gay Australia

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