Maleny Golf Club in Queensland’s beautiful Sunshine Coast hinterland recently announced the introduction of gender-neutral golf tees. Cue outrage. The troglodytes who spend their days turning over rocks in search of wokeness, cancel culture or any other eensy tweaking of the presumed status quo came screaming out of their caves. They first took to the club’s Facebook page and then the Courier-Mail comments pages to vent.
“Go woke, go broke,” they chanted.
“God made male and female only,” they cried.
“The world has officially gone mad.”
And that was just on the Maleny Golf Club Facebook page. Of course, the best was yet to come.
Courier-Mail comments pages
The Courier-Mail comments pages resemble an ancient supper-room where disempowered former Country Party members gather to eat stale pumpkin scones baked by Flo Bjelke-Petersen and won in a raffle at a White Australia rally.
Some gather in corners to mourn the death of Sir Robert Menzies. Others sign petitions to stop the introduction of decimal currency.
“Next, they’ll want us to wear seatbelts and stop putting lead in paint!”
Occasionally the members gather outdoors to yell at clouds and guess the gender of passing hippies.
“You can’t tell if they’re Arthur or Martha since the boys started growing their hair long.”
Maleny Golf Club
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Gender-neutral golf tees
According to people who actually play golf, the Maleny Golf Club move to gender-neutral golf tees makes absolute sense.
A hole of golf begins from the ‘tees’ with sets of markers to denote where players first strike the ball to drive it onto the course. Traditionally, clubs colour the forward markers red for female players and the backmarkers either white or blue for men. The tradition assumes men are naturally superior players and that the ‘weaker sex’ requires a headstart.
Maleny Golf Club, like many others, has introduced all-white tees, allowing golfers to chose a tee-off point appropriate to their ability. The club posted on their Facebook page, “This means players can choose which tees they play from without the stigma of being boxed into gender roles.”
But don’t try telling that to the precious snowflakes triggered by the news that underwear now comes in a variety of colours and homosexuals are permitted to enter public libraries.
“God made male and female only,’ thundered Aaron, possibly mistaking himself for Moses clambering down the mount with tablets of stone.
Dave voiced a concern that the innovation might force him to expose himself to the fairer sex during games.
“Us old blokes love a quick leak a few times a round.”
Are you out there to play golf or indulge your ‘love’ of pissing in the great outdoors? The place is not called the Maleny Outdoor Urinal. If you can’t hold on, tie a knot in it or piss in a bottle like an Amazon worker. Alternatively, wear adult diapers and dangle a pine-scented automobile fragrance tree over your wrinkled ballsack.
I don’t want to grow balls
Rupert Murdoch’s Courier-Mail is notoriously right-wing. Columnists include Barnaby Joyce’s former mistress Vikki Campion, Alan Jones’ protégé Jake Thrupp as well as Tony Abbott’s former head kicker Peta Credlin.
But that mob are positively progressive compared to the dinosaurs that roam the Courier-Mail comment pages in search of infractions against the existing social order.
Poor Patricia worried the innovation might lead to anatomical changes.
“I don’t want to grow balls just to be equal.”
It’s okay, dear. Just take off your tinfoil hat, flatten it and then place it in the crotch of your flannelette bloomers to deflect Bill Gates’ testicle inducing ray gun.
Surprisingly, no one pointed the finger at Annastacia Palaszczuk. It’s rare for more than 20 comments to pass before someone blames the premier. Be it a ship stranding in the Suez Canal or an asteroid veering too close to Earth, it’s always Annastacia’s fault. However, commenters this weekend decided responsibility for the Maleny Golf Club lay with Jacinda Arden and Dan Andrews.
Anyway, the Maleny Golf Club is beautiful, in addition to being run by people imbued with common sense. Pop up there for a hit, or if you don’t play golf, visit the beautiful Sunshine Coast hinterland regardless. Though we do recommend giving the Poets Cafe a miss.
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