Gender-neutral golf tees – cue outrage in four, three, two…

gender-neutral golf tees maleny golf club courier-mail comments pages

Maleny Golf Club in Queensland’s beautiful Sunshine Coast hinterland recently announced the introduction of gender-neutral golf tees. Cue outrage. The troglodytes who spend their days turning over rocks in search of wokeness, cancel culture or any other eensy tweaking of the presumed status quo came screaming out of their caves. They first took to the club’s Facebook page and then the Courier-Mail comments pages to vent.

“Go woke, go broke,” they chanted.

“God made male and female only,” they cried.

“The world has officially gone mad.”

And that was just on the Maleny Golf Club Facebook page. Of course, the best was yet to come.

Courier-Mail comments pages

The Courier-Mail comments pages resemble an ancient supper-room where disempowered former Country Party members gather to eat stale pumpkin scones baked by Flo Bjelke-Petersen and won in a raffle at a White Australia rally.

Some gather in corners to mourn the death of Sir Robert Menzies. Others sign petitions to stop the introduction of decimal currency.

“Next, they’ll want us to wear seatbelts and stop putting lead in paint!”

Occasionally the members gather outdoors to yell at clouds and guess the gender of passing hippies.

“You can’t tell if they’re Arthur or Martha since the boys started growing their hair long.”

Maleny Golf Club

Gender-neutral golf tees

According to people who actually play golf, the Maleny Golf Club move to gender-neutral golf tees makes absolute sense.

A hole of golf begins from the ‘tees’ with sets of markers to denote where players first strike the ball to drive it onto the course. Traditionally, clubs colour the forward markers red for female players and the backmarkers either white or blue for men. The tradition assumes men are naturally superior players and that the ‘weaker sex’ requires a headstart.

Maleny Golf Club, like many others, has introduced all-white tees, allowing golfers to chose a tee-off point appropriate to their ability. The club posted on their Facebook page, “This means players can choose which tees they play from without the stigma of being boxed into gender roles.”

But don’t try telling that to the precious snowflakes triggered by the news that underwear now comes in a variety of colours and homosexuals are permitted to enter public libraries.

“God made male and female only,’ thundered Aaron, possibly mistaking himself for Moses clambering down the mount with tablets of stone.

Dave voiced a concern that the innovation might force him to expose himself to the fairer sex during games.

“Us old blokes love a quick leak a few times a round.”

FFS, Dave!

Are you out there to play golf or indulge your ‘love’ of pissing in the great outdoors? The place is not called the Maleny Outdoor Urinal. If you can’t hold on, tie a knot in it or piss in a bottle like an Amazon worker. Alternatively, wear adult diapers and dangle a pine-scented automobile fragrance tree over your wrinkled ballsack.

I don’t want to grow balls

Rupert Murdoch’s Courier-Mail is notoriously right-wing. Columnists include Barnaby Joyce’s former mistress Vikki Campion, Alan Jones’ protégé Jake Thrupp as well as Tony Abbott’s former head kicker Peta Credlin.

But that mob are positively progressive compared to the dinosaurs that roam the Courier-Mail comment pages in search of infractions against the existing social order.

Poor Patricia worried the innovation might lead to anatomical changes.

“I don’t want to grow balls just to be equal.”

It’s okay, dear. Just take off your tinfoil hat, flatten it and then place it in the crotch of your flannelette bloomers to deflect Bill Gates’ testicle inducing ray gun.

Surprisingly, no one pointed the finger at Annastacia Palaszczuk. It’s rare for more than 20 comments to pass before someone blames the premier. Be it a ship stranding in the Suez Canal or an asteroid veering too close to Earth, it’s always Annastacia’s fault. However, commenters this weekend decided responsibility for the Maleny Golf Club lay with Jacinda Arden and Dan Andrews.

Anyway, the Maleny Golf Club is beautiful, in addition to being run by people imbued with common sense. Pop up there for a hit, or if you don’t play golf, visit the beautiful Sunshine Coast hinterland regardless. Though we do recommend giving the Poets Cafe a miss.


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  1. Wayne PERSKE
    6 April 2021

    Brilliant!! Thank you so much for the very cool article.
    What we’ve done at Maleny Golf Club is breaking traditional rules that golfers have been bound by for 200 years.
    The masses aren’t happy, but guess what? We want everyone to enjoy their time on our beautiful course.
    So you have the choice to tee off where you like. It’s such a small thing compared to what most minorities go through on a daily basis, however it’s a step towards equality for all.
    Thanks again for your very funny article, I did get a lot of laughs from it.
    Best regards
    Wayne Perske
    Manager/PGA Professional
    Maleny Golf Club

    • Janine Barney
      7 April 2021

      Well done Wayne & Maleny Golf Club. This issue for me is about taking the stigma away from being “ladies tees & men’s tees”. For a beginner, junior or older golfer playing from the “ladies tees” has created a cultural stereotype however playing from the “tee 1 blocks, green tees or another name” creates less of the traditional connotations.

  2. Jeremy Lovell
    6 April 2021

    Great work Maleny Golf Course. I truly can’t wait to play a round of golf on your beautiful looking golf course. It’s also great to see a sport that is well known for sticking to tradition starting to evolve into a sport that will not only survive, but thrive in the future. 2 thumbs up.

  3. Gary
    7 April 2021

    I must be somewhere in the middle here. One of the silent bunch (probably majority but no facts are ever published about this) that do believe men an women are different and really there are really only two sexes (though I agree these can be mixed up and one could want to change from one to the other and also that here are a few people born with both sex organs but these tend to be left out of the discussions)and that I should step aside and let a woman walk through first.

    In saying that I do not believe that what Maleny is doing is anything to do with equal rights for the sexes or being woke or whatever.

    It is more to do with making the game more enjoyable for the players. In a social game it makes no difference which tees you hit from but now women and men can now choose which set of tees they want to use in a competition. An older player (of either sex) may enjoy it more hitting from the front tees and visa versa younger players may enjoy it more playing from the back tees.

    No longer will a player be told which tee the play from.

    So really as I said it is more about enjoying the game than a step forward for equal rights.

    Oh and the toilets at the course are public toilets and are communal (ie used by both sexes) and I like a lot of players do pee behind a tree during the game.

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