Forget Brexit – British Labour would rather argue gay giraffes

gay giraffes british labour brexit

You’d expect British Labour, indeed all of Britain, to remain pretty focused at the moment. After all, Brexit sees the unUnited Kingdom in a pretty bad spot. But no, British Labour would rather stop for a Monty Pythonesque squabble over gay giraffes.

The once apparently great Britain faces immense challenges. Trapped in an ever descending spiral over whether to exit Europe and if so, how so, you’d expect all hands on deck.

Because of endless dithering and bickering, the country faces numerous potential manmade disasters. Some predict a Brexit plagued by food, medicine and fuel shortages, civil unrest and Northern Ireland returning to bloody sectarian warfare.

But hey! instead of worrying about that, why not go into battle over the percentage of gay giraffes?

Labour, under the reputedly unelectable Jeremy Corbyn, need to concentrate on providing a viable opposition.

After all, Prime Minister Johnson demonstrates utter contempt for democracy. In his denial of the supremacy of parliament, Trump Lite sets himself up as king in all but name.

A couple of weeks ago, Britain’s elected representatives directed him to write the EU requesting an extension to Brexit.  After sending the legally mandated letter but leaving it unsigned, King Boris followed up with a signed letter explaining that in fact he in no way desired an extension.

That sort of devious tomfeckery reminds me of the perhaps mythical mail-order company that sold gullible suckers a tool to cut their electricity bill in half. It then allegedly posted out a cheap pair of scissors. Linguistically honest, but bullshit nonetheless.

Gay giraffes

Dawn Butler, the shadow secretary for women and equalities, gave an after-dinner speech at a recent Pink News awards night. During her speech, she defended schools teaching children that gay people are perfectly normal. She used the example of gay giraffes to prove her point.

“Ninety per cent of giraffes are gay. Let’s just accept people for who they are and live as our true, authentic selves. Being who you are is not a disease.”

Now that’s a perfectly fine sentiment. Of course, one would wonder where the figure of 90% originates. Did she poll a sample group of giraffes, or speak to people who know something about them?

One person who believes he’s something of an expert on the tallest living terrestrial animal is Corbyn’s senior advisor Lachlan Stuart. He even claims the even-toed ungulate African mammal as his favourite animal.

And Dawn Butler’s statement pissed him off.

He denied any homosexual inclination in male giraffian behaviour.

“There’s no romance. No courtship – no affection – no pair bonding.”

I don’t know about giraffes but that sounds like a number of my past relationships.

Stuart insisted that while male giraffes do engage in sexual activity with other males, they only do it to assert their dominance.

“It’s akin to describing Deliverance as a ‘gay romance’.”

(In the 1972 film Deliverance, hillbillies attack a group of male city slickers and rape one of them.)

Real giraffe experts differ on how gay giraffes actually are. Some say the males dry-hump purely as assertive behaviour. Others note there is sometimes more affectionate behaviour such as genital stimulation, necking and nuzzling.

However, all agree that female giraffes live together in herds and mate with transient males. The males take off after mating and play no role in rearing their offspring.


Hopefully, Yoweri Museveni, Uganda’s crazy homophobic dictator doesn’t hear about this kerfuffle. If that bigoted fool gets wind of gay giraffes, he’ll launch an eradication program.

The animals suffered enough under British rule when game hunters shot the animals to mount their taxidermied heads on trophy walls in the grand halls of their country estates.

Undoubtedly gay animal sexual behaviour proves useful to refute hoary old nonsense that homosexuality is unnatural.

And gay animal couplings are sweet AF.

But why, in a world of scientific advances that refute the ignorance of the past, do we need to justify the existence of LGBTIQ people.

Thank you to Dawn Butler for defending the right for people to live as their true authentic selves.

As for Lachlan Stuart, it’s time he earned his pay and focussed on moving that currently feckless kingdom toward functional democracy.

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