First Eurovision, now Testicle Festival not dropping in 2020


testicle festival

In a kick in the balls for testicle lovers all over the American midwest, the organisers of the Deerfield Testicle Festival reluctantly cancelled this year’s event because of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Now in its ninth year, the Deerfield Testicle Festival previously beat off stiff competition from other gonad galas. A number of American towns hold an annual Testy Festy. However, one of the best known, in the township of Clinton, got the chop a few years ago.

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Unlike the Deerfield Testicle Festival, a relatively sedate affair,  the Clinton festival became famed for its raucous nature. At Deerfield, festival-goers are happy enough to just spend a few hours chowing down on steaming, deep-fried cattle genitalia.

Clinton Testicle Festival: big dicks and chesticles

But aside from rednecks gorging on meaty nutsacks, the Clinton event also included, heavy drinking and wet T-shirt competitions. Faced with complaints that sodden mammaries had no relevance to a celebration of testes, not tits, organisers renamed the breasts as ‘chesticles’.

Other contests included the judging of the Biggest Balls and even a Big Dick competition. Goodness only knows what big dicks have to do with celebrating the sustenance provided by a decent pair of fried bull testicles.

The residents of Clinton quickly became accustomed to an annual spectacle of drunken debauchery. Men strolled the streets dressed in nothing more than a cock-ring and half-mongrel.

But all good things must come to an end, and sadly, the Clinton Testicle Festival stopped being funny. After stabbings, and fatal road accidents caused by drink-driving, organisers decided to zip it up.

Organisers of the Deerfield Festival promise to return, however.

With 136 kilograms of testicles tucked away in deep freezers, town elders promise to get their balls out sometime in the future and invite visitors to come into town for a nibble.

Japan’s naked festivals went ahead earlier this year before the world became aware of the serious danger posed by COVID-19. However, it seems certain April’s penis festival will not get up again for a while yet.


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