DocQ: Hooking Up With a Trans Guy

trans guy

You see a really cute guy on Grindr and discover he’s a trans guy. Well, you’re only human – trans guys are hot, right?! But you have questions.

You’ve never been with a trans guy before, and you wonder if there are things you need to know, and who do you ask?

Here are some pointers that may help you and your date enjoy a more positive experience.

 Don’t expect him to want to tell you everything about his transition or his journey. He’s not there to be your Trans 101 educator, he’s there for a hot time! Most trans people have to spend way too much time in their lives educating those around them about trans stuff, and frankly, they would rather not!

Dead Name

 Don’t ask him what his old name was. Bringing up dead names is disrespectful and may inflame old wounds. Imagine if before every date you went on you were forced to relive or be reminded of times in your life you hated. It’s really not fun or sexy, and it isn’t your business.

A trans guy is not a trophy

 Don’t fetishize him or treat him like a special trophy – he is more than his “transness”, and he is not a box to be ticked on your list of sexual adventures.

 Don’t expect that he should feel flattered by your attention. He’s not a charity case, and you’re not doing him a favour. He’s hot and clearly you’re into him; you won’t be the first or the last to fancy him!

 Follow his lead with language, and if you’re not sure, ask. Don’t refer to body parts by name until you know how he likes to refer to them. Testosterone causes clitoral tissue to enlarge, and trans masculine folk may refer to it as their dick or their junk. Front hole may be the preferred term rather than vagina.

 Also, check their pronouns. If they are non-binary then they may prefer they/them pronouns.

If unsure, ask

 When it comes to sex, ask what they want, don’t assume anything, and don’t be afraid for guidance. If they want penetrative sex you’ll be the first to know. And don’t forget consent!

 Don’t assume a trans man is automatically a bottom or likes to be dominated – plenty of trans guys are tops, and this can mean using sex toys or strap-ons or fingers.

 Lube is important, and lots of it, just like with anal sex! Testosterone therapy causes a reduction in self-lubrication, so without lube front hole/vaginal sex is likely to be quite painful.

 PrEP and STI prevention is just as important for trans men who have sex with men as it is for cis men. They may be on PrEP already and don’t be offended if they ask when you were last tested. It’s just good manners really!

 If you’ve only ever had sex with cis guys, then contraception is probably not something that’s ever come up on your radar before – but trans men can and do become pregnant, so it may be something he needs to bring up. If he isn’t already on a contraceptive then he may ask you to wear a condom.

 Remember that a person’s sexuality encompasses more than just their genitals. If you have always identified as a gay boy, and this is the first time you’re hooking up with a trans boy, then this may bring up issues for you around identity. You don’t need to have a crisis about it! Masculinity comes in all shapes and sizes, and a person’s gender identity does not come down to what’s in their pants. Think about this before you get involved, and if it’s challenging for you, don’t make this your date’s problem!

 Finally, don’t make assumptions about anything, remember respect and consent, and have fun!

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Dr Fiona Bisshop

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