Discover the secret world of financial domination

Findom sees money get intertwined in the sub/dom fetish world. Although many Australian men do this safely, some are pushing boundaries which could lead to exploitation.

When it comes to the fetish world many play on the dominant and submissive roles.

Although not confined to the LGBTQIA+ community, it’s certainly an active and often visible part.

One that exists more on the down-low is financial domination or findom for short.

Findom sees the submissive person give financial control or gifts and money to a dominant partner.

It’s a world of cash masters, alphas, pay pigs and draining that brings money into the sub/dom fetish.

Getting into the world

Dermot* (not his real name) is in his 40s from Sydney and progressed into the world of findom.

“I was previously in a dom/sub relationship, which evolved into findom because the sub wanted me to be more part of his daily life,” he tells me.

“He gradually gave me more control of his finances, authorising transactions he could make or in many cases, not make.”

For Jay* (also not his real name) from southern Victoria the combination of finances and sex had always been intertwined for him.

“I used to ‘lend’ money to people I thought were hot at school and everyone knew I would never get it back,” he says.

“Sometimes I got hard doing that. Now I find hot guys on Insta or Twitter, some of them chatted with me and asked for money and eventually I guess I started sending some.”

Sharing their experience

Dermot, who identifies as bisexual, explains that despite money being central to the fetish, it shouldn’t be the central part of the sub/dom relationship.

“I receive tributes but I have a strict policy of these being things that I would ordinarily purchase myself and which integrate into my daily life for instance, coffees, cigarettes, dinners, drinks,” he explains.

“There needs to be a personal connection of that tribute with that particular sub for me. This has happened via cash apps when online, or the sub picks up the bill in person.”

For Jay, the relationships are more transactional.

“I just follow hot guys on Twitter and we message. Usually I interact first sometimes they do, depending on how I feel and how they look, act, sound, I might send or not,” he says.

“I’m online all the time but I only send a couple times a week. I send smaller amounts like $5-20 at a time, never more than $100 or so per day.”

“Sometimes I can w*nk over it without actually sending, and once you c*m the urge goes away.”

Is this healthy?

Clinical psychotherapist and counsellor Andrew Macdonald says fetishes can be healthy but there are risks people need to consider.

“So long as we have mutual ongoing consent, exploring ways that arouse us can be a lot of fun,” he tells me.

“However, with financial domination, there’s added risk of exploitation, financial abuse and self-esteem impacts.”

Dermot explains that findom can be safe but the blurring of some lines makes him uncomfortable.

“I think there can be a safe way to operate within findom,” he says.

“But I’m not sure when findom became about ‘draining’ a sub of their finances. For me, it was about the control of that aspect of a sub’s life. The end goal was or is not to take their money.”

“There can be some material gain for me, but this is more incidental. I enjoy being asked permission before a sub makes a purchase and also commanding a sub to pick up the tab.”

What is draining?

Draining refers to when the dominant partner empties or takes the maximum amount possible from a subs account or card.

In the rather interesting research I did online for this article, many “cash masters” (the dominant partner) would show off their sub’s credit card, ask followers to vote or play games on how much they should take and/or make threats on how much they would drain.

Although the relationship between the dom and sub is personal and not always known, this potential exploitation was often called out by others within the findom community.

Psychotherapist Andrew Macdonald said knowing your boundaries emotionally and financially is imperative.

“How much are you willing to spend on your dom, and can you afford it?” he says.

“Imagine a home budget with things like, groceries, power, fuel and oh “entertainment”, how much are you putting in that column and stick to it?

Are straight men taking advantage?

Quite prevalent in the findom world are straight ‘cash masters’ targeting gay, bisexual and queer men.

The language used in their approach is often homophobic in nature.

This is something I experienced first-hand when approaching many for comment on this story.

Although many showed some interest in an interview at first, when their request for payment was declined I was often called a f*ggot despite not having any findom relationship with those involved.

This doesn’t mean all ‘straight’ men are doing it to exploit others, but it does suggest some may have questionable motives.

Andrew Macdonald says it also may indicate something more about their sexuality.

“Straight men being fin doms for men attracted to men might actually be speaking to an arousal element of the dom. Whilst he may not physically be into other guys, the power and rush he gets from controlling them may be his big turn-on.”

The secretive nature of findom isn’t confined to those “straight” participants.

Understandably no one was comfortable going on record with their name.

Despite assurances of anonymity many pulled out of interviews concerned their online and “in real life” worlds were clashing and their behaviour would be discovered.

Knowing boundaries

For Jay, who is gay in his 30s, he says it hasn’t significantly impacted him financially.

“I always have some spare money somewhere,” he says.

“Maybe I restrict my spending on food or clothes and I don’t have big debts so every pay I cover rent and utilities easily.”

“I just enjoy looking at sexy men, it’s basically buying porn. I like the fantasy of obedience, and some of the stuff I share online is out there but I’m not really like that in real life.”

Andrew Macdonald says knowing and establishing your own limitations is essential for enjoying any fetish safely.

“Establish your boundaries in the very beginning and know when you are negotiating or changing these,” he explains.

“This is often better to be done outside the moments of arousal. I’d watch out for when you feel these boundaries are being broken and the potential shift in your feelings away from being turned on and into being worried or fearful.”

Overall, it’s important not to judge people for their kink or fetish and it can be a healthy part of anyone’s life regardless of sexuality.

“For most of us, sexual play and different kinks can be a lot of fun,” Andrew says.

“If being in a fin sub/dom relationship has stopped being fun, impacted your ability to get on with other parts of your life or worse, threatened your safety, then it’s time to stop and have a good think about it.”