Ask Granny: all your coronavirus questions answered


ask granny coronavirus questions gtreat toilet paper panic

Granny answers reader’s questions, gives advice and offers must-have lifestyle tips. If you have a pressing matter that requires resolution email Ask Granny. But this week, with the world in the grip of the Great Toilet Paper Panic of 2020, Granny answers all your coronavirus questions and more.

The Great Toilet Paper Panic of 2020

Dear Granny,

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What will we do when all the toilet paper runs out?

Wendy, Mitchelton, Qld

Dear Wendy,

My dear old gran never wiped her bum on lavender-scented 2 ply super-soft toilet tissue in her life. She put a stack of old newspapers beside the dunny in the farm outhouse. We tended to hold on for as long as possible when we visited her. But when nature’s call became insistent, we crumpled and scrunched that paper for all we were worth in an attempt to make it softer on the hindquarters. I can tell you that however effective newspaper might be for cleaning glass, it doesn’t give your arse a mirror finish. And Murdoch papers proved useless for the job even back then. They were already full of shit when you bought them.

Granny can’t help but laugh that some folk spent more on toilet paper lately than a top of the range bidet costs. For $429.95 you can buy a Premium Smart Wash & Dry Remote Control Electric Bidet Toilet Seat for “a luxury Japanese-style cleaning experience.” Or bidet hygiene water sprayers start at under $20. They love those bum guns in Thailand.

Of course, Granny read all about 16th century Europeans wiping their bums on live geese necks. However, animal welfare types still bring up my arrest during my years as an exotic dancer for a live sex act with an inflatable sheep. I die every time ACA replays the footage of me leaving court hiding my face with a baby I snatched from a negligent mother.

Zombie apocalypse

Did increased acceptance of LGBTIQ cause this?

Dear Granny,

I read that an American preacher said increased acceptance of LGBTIQ people caused coronavirus. Is this possible?

Lyle, Toowoomba

Dear Cockhead,

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LGBTIQ people did not cause coronavirus. Not do they cause a wrathful god to visit his vengeance upon the world with cyclones, earthquakes or bushfires.

That is not to say that LGBTIQ people do not cause some of the natural disasters that befall humankind. The last was the man bun pandemic of 2012. The infection originated in gay men and the contagion quickly spread to heterosexuals. A few desperate bogans still suffer from the infirmity but there is no danger of contracting it. The sufferers are more to be pitied than ostracised.

Plant-based meat

Dear Granny,

A friend told me it is possible to catch coronavirus from plant-based meat. Is that a fact, or is she just determined to keep me a carnivore?

Angie, Potts Point

Dear Angie,

No, you can not catch coronavirus from plant-based meat. You catch Ebola from plant-based meat, not coronavirus. Oh… I almost forgot… and bubonic plague.

Will we all die?

Dear Granny,

Is this end times? Will we all die?

Graeme, Adelaide

Dear Graeme,

Of course, we will — all of us — eventually. In the meantime, wash your hands and remember, many people in the world don’t have access to clean drinking water, let alone great mountains of fucking toilet paper.

Granny answers readers questions on unfaithful partners, DIY and Adele.

Granny offers totally useless advice on loo seats and living with the ex.

For the latest lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex and queer (LGBTIQ) news in Australia, visit qnews.com.au. Check out our latest magazines or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.