Ask Granny: double trouble, loo seats and living with the ex


ask granny

Granny answers readers questions, gives advice and offers must-have lifestyle tips. If you have a pressing matter that requires resolution email Ask Granny.

Double Trouble

Dear Granny,

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I have been having sex for a few months with a guy I met on Grindr. The sex has always been great other than a strange inconsistency. When I first met him, he was strictly a top and refused to consider bottoming while I am versatile and like to enjoy the best of both worlds.

But then on his third visit, he suddenly insisted on bottoming as though it were the most natural thing in the world. This has happened now on two other occasions, yet any other time he leaps like a scalded cat if he so much as feels a fingertip stray across his buttocks.

Also, he always calls me ‘Babe’ when he tops, but ‘Bud’ when he bottoms.

I started to think he was schizophrenic but then today I saw him in the local shopping centre with his identical twin brother.

Not wanting to cause a scene I ducked into the nearest shop which was a carvery and ate a roast beef sandwich even though I’m vegan.

I feel so used. I love the sex – either way – but feel played.

What I need to know is – should I admit to the beef sandwich at my weekly vegan lunch meet-up?

Phil, Mt Gravatt

Granny replies:

Dear Phil,

Forget the bloody roast sandwich. You seem to get enjoy an awful lot of meat for someone who calls himself a vegan.

I need more information to properly formulate my answer.

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STFU with your moaning and forward your old granny any unsolicited pics of an offensive nature the twins have sent you.

Domestic Etiquette

Dear Granny,

My flatmate thinks he’s very sophisticated. I sometimes feel I live in a poor woman’s Downton Abbey. He’s always calling me a classless lesbian but despite that, he never puts the toilet seat down. When I say anything, he says the problem is I never put it up. According to him, etiquette demands leaving the seat up for the lav to ‘air’.

Wendy, Gympie

Granny replies:

Dear Wendy,

You have flush toilets in Gympie now? Lordy me! How times have changed.

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It’s complicated

Dear Granny,

My ex and I remained friends after our break-up despite him not understanding why I wanted to end our relationship. We still live together but in separate bedrooms.

I recently met someone new but so far I’ve only hooked up with him away from home. I’d like to spend the night with him in my own bed. Do you think it will work?

Andy, New Farm

Granny replies:

Dear Andy,

In my youth, back before HIV made condom use the norm, we used either Vasoline Petroleum Jelly or baby oil as lubricant. Vasoline in those days came in a round glass jar, just like a Vicks VapoRub bottle.

I once, just like you, remained living with a guy after the romance died. The first time I had another gentleman caller, I realised the Vasoline jar was in my ex’s room. Without bothering to turn on any lights, I knocked on his door and asked for the Vasoline.

“What do you need that for?”

“What do you think?”

He opened the door a little, handed out the jar in the dark, and I hurried back to my awaiting paramour.

I only realised my ex’s bitterness over the breakup when the Vicks VapoRub began to heat up my nether regions.

I think that answers your question.

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Send your questions to granny@qnews.com.au

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